The Anger Solution
- The Anger Solution Overview
- Do you have an anger problem?
- Is it anger or rage, and what's the difference?
- What is emotional regression and what does it have to do with anger?
- Is it possible to express anger appropriately?
- What is The Detour Method™ and how can it help me?
- Is there a solution for addicts and alcoholics who have a problem with anger?
- What's the next level in the anger solution?
The Anger Solution Overview
Anger is a fact of life that affects everyone; some more than others. We all have been angry or been around those who are angry and most of us have thought that the world would be better off without this emotion. But here’s the real truth: anger is not your enemy. In fact, it can be your ally; one that can save your relationship, your job and your peace of mind. Anger can heal relationships of all kinds creating greater closeness and intimacy. Once you learn how to express anger appropriately you will see that it can “clear the air,” tear down walls of misunderstanding, and most of all not hurt anyone (including yourself). Some of you reading this have had very little, if any, experience with appropriate expressions of anger. Some of you reading this even believe it isn’t possible. The Anger Solution will help you navigate this path to healing.
top of page Do you have an anger problem?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, it is likely you do have a problem:
- People often say you are angry; especially the people who know you well.
- When you get angry, it’s always someone else’s fault. (The kids are being too noisy, your spouse is late again, the boss didn’t appreciate the work you did, etc.)
- People tell you to lighten up, relax, take it easy, have a drink or try a Valium.
- You drink alcoholically, take drugs, or engage in addictive or dangerous behaviors.
- You become angry while driving, this includes pointing at another driver with the second finger or cutting off another car.
- You hit your children, your spouse or animals. Hitting can be accomplished with many different weapons, not just the hands. Whether you use your hands, words or a belt, get immediate professional help.
- You have a rigid body structure; your neck and shoulders are tight and sore.
- You have ulcers, insomnia, high blood pressure or frequent tension headaches.
- You always have to win arguments or get in the last word.
- You find yourself sleeping in a different bed than your spouse.
- Animals and children hide from you or cross the street to avoid you.
- Co-workers, spouses or children keep secrets from you because they are afraid of your reactions.
- You act out anger without stopping to think how your words or actions will affect other people.
- You have multiple divorces.
- When someone makes you angry, you emotionally withdraw or give them the “silent treatment.”
- When someone hurts you, you become obsessed with hurting him or her back. You may even take pride in your ability to “get even.”
- Forgiveness is almost impossible.
- You never say you are sorry, except in a sarcastic voice.
- Your children don’t return your phone calls.
- Your family or roommate encourages you to go to work, the gym or anywhere else just to get you out of the house.
- Reading this list makes you angry.
Is it anger or rage, and what's the difference?
Anger and rage are not the same thing. Anger is a feeling-neither good or bad-that every healthy human being feels at certain times. Rage, on the other hand, is a reaction, usually out of proportion with the act/slight that supposedly angered the person in the first place. Rage is destructive, chaotic, frightening and all-around unhealthy. Anger is healthy and normal as long as it is expressed appropriately. Anger takes a few minutes to get over, but rage never gets enough because it is rooted in our past through emotional regression, the best kept secret in psychology.
What is emotional regression and what does it have to do with anger?
You are 42 years old and as you're leaving work on a Friday night your boss says, "Joe, I'd like to see you first thing Monday morning." You freeze and can't bring yourself to even ask what the meeting is about. Surely, this can't be good. Suddenly you are no longer a competent adult; instead you feel like a child being told to come to the principal's office. You go back to when you were 8 years old and were caught throwing spitballs in science class. That's emotional regression. It takes you out of our current time and place and you back in time when you were small and powerless and the circumstances merely "reminded" you of what is actually going on in the present. Instead of acting upon the current situation, you regress and react. So when you finally do have that meeting with your boss on Monday, you are so worked up with anger and fear that you blurt out, "You know what? You can't fire me, I quit! I hate this job anyway!" Your confused boss replies, "Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that, Joe, I was going to give you a promotion this morning." Oops.
Read more about emotional regression in Growing Yourself Back Up: Understanding Emotional Regression.
Is it possible to express anger appropriately?
Yes! The problem is that most of us never had appropriate expressions of anger modeled for us as children. Anger expressed appropriately hurts noone, not yourself or the person or thing that made you angry. You can find a myriad of healthy ways to express anger in Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately and/or The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problems for Alcoholics/Addicts and Those Who Love Them. For those of you who prefer to listen instead of read, we have The Anger Solution CDs, a set of 3 audio CDs, which is like having your own anger workshop whenever you play it, and The Missing Peace Lecture CD.
What is The Detour Method™ and how can it help me?
The Detour Method™ (TDM) helps you access that past safely so you can deal with it and move on with your life in the present. The main objectives of TDM are to separate rage from anger, change emotional chaos into manageable issues, move from imagined fear and fantasy into reality and come out of the past and into the present. These functions minimize the damage one can do while in a regressed state. Another important purpose of TDM is to begin to consciously explore our emotional memories and to unload some of the painful baggage most of us carry into many of our relationships by choosing the right time, place, objective and person to work with you on your recurring anger and rage issues. TDM can be done alone or with a facilitator. Once you learn it you can incorporate it into all your relationships, whether at home or at work.
Applying The Detour Method™ when you are angry
The Detour Method™ was first introduced in Growing Yourself Back Up, but it is also featured and taught in The Missing Peace (which can be read by addicts and non-addicts alike).
Is there a solution for addicts and alcoholics who have a problem with anger?
Yes! The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problems for Alcoholics/Addicts and Those Who Love Them is available as a book and a lecture on audio CD. Using his highly acclaimed Detour Method™, Lee shows you how to free many of the anger issues that are holding you back.
Through his expert advice, personal stories and his step-by-step program, he will open your eyes to the pervasive myths about anger; help you recognize if you or someone you love has issues with anger; and he will reveal the red-flag scenarios you need to be aware of in day-to-day situations.
John Lee proves that when you put down the anger, you make room in your life for love, laughter and joy to flourish.
What's the next level in the anger solution?
If you've read Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately and/or The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problems for Alcoholics/Addicts and Those Who Love Them you are ready to move to the next level in your healing. John Lee's new book, The Anger Solution: A Proven Method for Dealing with Anger and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships will be released by DaCapo Press in the fall of 2009. The Anger Solution not only deals with anger issues, but also with emotional regression, codependency, assertiveness and passivity with the goal of helping you reach your emotional intelligence potential. Watch for news on it on this website or join John Lee's mailing list to receive updated information on new books, appearances and special deals.
